


That Hollow Ache

by icabyppup



Series: Whumptober 2020 [8]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Feels, Friendship/Love, Gen, Heartache, Hurt Merlin (Merlin), Hurt No Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I never thought i'd tag that ever, Loneliness, No. 8 - where did everybody go?, Not Beta Read, Okay look i wrote this at like 3am and it shows, Pining, Platonic Pining, Platonic Relationships, Post-Morgana, Sad, Sad Merlin, Some would say misuse, Whumptober, Whumptober 2020, a degree of, also platonic - Freeform, and also while crying, kind of?, the possible impact of friends to lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:34:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26891494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icabyppup/pseuds/icabyppup
Summary: He felt the burden of his secret too often, and he had Gaius. He had the luxury of someone who cared about him unconditionally, who knew his deepest secret and protected him despite it - or maybe for it. To be completely alone... Merlin shuddered at the thought, then took another swig when he remembered that was why he was sitting on the staircase by Arthur’s room in the middle of the night, bottle in hand.He was scared of being alone.
Relationships: Gwen & Merlin (Merlin), Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Important But Not On-Screen, Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Whumptober 2020 [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1947316
Comments: 9
Kudos: 50
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	That Hollow Ache

**Author's Note:**

> Well, uh, I wrote this a while ago in the middle of the night and it shows. Sorry for the hurt.

He took another swig from the pitcher, feeling the sorrow like a physical weight in his chest. It mixed with his fear and sat heavy at the base of his throat, pressing on his windpipe and causing his breath to hitch.

He remembered Morgana vividly, painfully. Remembered the words that sealed his fate, all of their fates. Lying about his magic ultimately cost Morgana her freedom to choose; to make a true choice, with all of the facts behind it. It left her feeling alone, isolated, and so she turned elsewhere for help. Merlin couldn’t honestly blame her, at least for that. He felt the burden of his secret too often, and he had Gaius. He had the luxury of someone who cared about him unconditionally, who knew his deepest secret and protected him despite it - or maybe for it. To be completely alone... Merlin shuddered at the thought, then took another swig when he remembered that was why he was sitting on the staircase by Arthur’s room in the middle of the night, bottle in hand.

He was scared of being alone.

He had, at this point, all of two friends - Gwen and Arthur, who were obviously head over heels for each other. He wanted them to be happy, he really did, but it was hard not to feel the hollow space in his chest, as though his heart was already making preparations for losing two of the most important people in his life. And that was the clincher, wasn’t it - Merlin cared for his friends so deeply, felt his love for them like a tangible thing in his chest. He knew they could never care for him as much as he cared for them, and he’d thought he was okay with that. Thought he’d made his peace.

Apparently not, because drinking away the wee hours in a stairwell was not the standard behaviour of someone who’d made his peace.

It was just that with the nature of Gwen and Arthur’s relationship changing, Merlin was highly aware of the fact that he was now going to matter even less to them.

He hated losing friends, not that he had many to lose.

He wasn’t under any illusions that the two lovebirds would completely cut him out of their lives, but he knew they would have even less time for him. Arthur in particular didn’t need Merlin like Merlin needed him - he had Gwen, and all of the knights for friends and companions. How much weight would he put into just another friendship once he had his bride? And not just any friendship either, but one with a servant... Gwen was a bit different in that regard, but she looked at Arthur like he was all that mattered and it made it hard to be happy for her when he knew that there was no room left for him. Less space in both their hearts to spare.

How did the pitcher get this empty?

Merlin sighed, and resigned himself to only a few more mouthfuls as he trekked across the castle in the dark to find more wine.

He felt like a horrible person not to be happy for his friends having found someone. Especially in Arthur’s case, with his previous _stellar_ choices of women to woo, Merlin ought to be grateful he didn’t need to fear an attack on the royal’s life from his latest love interest. But he couldn’t escape the feeling of loss that followed him through the hallways to the kitchen, echoing off the cold stone walls.

He swapped out his pitcher in the kitchen, emptying all of the alcoholic dregs from the feast last night into one clay pot and lugging it with him back towards the stairs. It was a miracle he hadn’t broken anything yet, some gods must have been smiling on him. Merlin took that as a sign to mean getting blind drunk in the wrong part of the castle with the moon high out the window was the right course of action.

Only stumbling slightly, he resumed his seat on the staircase. Even with his friends the source of his woes, he couldn’t bear to be too far from them, lest someone try and make the sixth attempt on Arthur’s life that week.

Maybe he could live with caring too much. Let his own love, unsiphoned, build and build until it choked him. Gwen and Arthur would be none the wiser, losing hours staring into each other’s eyes until they didn’t even notice Merlin was gone.

Surely there were worse ways to die than by an overdose of love, unrequited in the way that friendship just didn’t seem to matter as much. But didn’t his devotion count for anything? Just because he didn’t want to snog their faces off, it didn’t mean he loved them any less.

Merlin tried to resign himself to feeling lost, but couldn’t quite manage to accept that this horrible twist of emotions would be stuck sitting below his collarbones for the rest of his life.

What was there to do, though? There was no action he could possibly take to lessen the pressure.

Well, maybe one. Not a permanent fix by any means, but if it would help even the slightest bit now…

He upended the jug into his mouth and grimaced at the blend of tastes. It was a truly pitiful way to get blackout drunk – right in line with how Merlin was feeling now.

Pitiful.

Pathetic.

Oh so _achingly_ lonely _._

He drank again, deeply, and forced himself to swallow the foul mixture. At least it gave him something else to focus on. For a brief second, he could almost forget the overwhelming _hurt;_ the light fuzziness in his head clouding out the emotion before receding far too soon.

Only, this time it didn’t. The alcoholic clouds floated in and stayed, blurring out his thoughts and smearing his consciousness with pastels in the dark. Merlin vaguely registered this as the step before unconsciousness.

Ah, well. At least he wouldn’t have to feel anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd really appreciate a comment, it would mean a massive amount to me. I'll consider writing some comfort to this hurt if it is necessary to heal any hearts, so let me know if that's something you need <3 <3


End file.
